How to Manage Your Child's Separation Anxiety

Jun 13

By: Dr. Hayley Pedersen

Does your child have difficulties separating from you?

Maybe it is in the drop-off line at school or at their sports practice, or maybe it even happens during your scheduled date night. Having a hard time saying goodbye to mom or dad is actually not all uncommon in young children. On the one hand, your child has identified you as a “safe” person to be around who helps them to feel secure and comforted, which is great. On the other hand, learning to separate from parents is an important skill for your child to develop, as it teaches them how to self-soothe and cope with separation from you so that they can continue on in their social-emotional development. This leaves a tricky dilemma for parents when they see their children in distress when it is time to say goodbye. So, what can you do to help your child? Here are a few tips and tricks to help with separation anxiety.

First, try using a transitional object. This can be a special item you identify to give your child during a time of separation that reminds them of you. Common transitional objects might include a stuffed animal, blanket, bracelet, or watch. It can also be something small, like a special charm your child carries in their pocket. The trick is making the item something “special” that your child can latch onto when they are missing you to help them feel comforted and connected to you. Making it special might mean you as a parent have the same bracelet, or you “kiss” the special charm they have. A good book for separation anxiety that talks about this is The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn.

Another tip is when you are saying goodbye to your child, be confident in your goodbye and reassure them you will return. Young children are still developing their concept of time, so you want to give them an easy way to understand when you will be back (for example, saying “after dinner” or “after the length of one Finding Nemo movie!”). While away from your child, have a structured time to check in with them. Answering the phone every time they call or calling randomly and frequently can actually increase your child’s anxiety. It sounds counterintuitive, but having a structured check-in phone call can help to create predictability and lower your child’s fears.

The goal is for your child to learn that they will be alright when you are gone and that mom or dad will return. This will help to support your son or daughter’s ability to feel secure in your parent-child relationship. Implement these tips and tricks to help your kiddo separate from you with greater ease, not to mention that seeing them more comfortable with separating is likely to put your own worries at ease!

Dr. Hayley Pedersen is a Newport Beach resident and founder of The Child and Family Connection. Dr. Pedersen and her skilled mental health professionals have the experience, training, and education to help with nearly all of your child's psychological, behavioral, and educational needs. Their individualized treatment plans will help make meaningful changes in your home, in school, and in the community while staying true to who your child is.