Assigning the Right Meaning to the Events in Our Lives
By: Colleen Rivers, MD
In the title of my keynote address, “Seek— How We Take Ownership of our Health and Happiness,” I use the word “ownership” because so many of us lack this sense of responsibility in both of these purviews. Certainly there are circumstances out of our control, but we can make tremendous progress when we focus on the things we can control. When it comes to physical health, my job isn’t too hard. I present the scientific data linking lifestyle to a host of chronic diseases, and folks start to get the picture, jotting down simple ways they can do better. But when it comes to happiness, people often resist the “ownership” concept, stuck believing that their experiences dictate their happiness. While I teach many tools to begin chipping away at this philosophy (e.g; gratitude and mindfulness practices), today I want to focus on the importance of assigning the right meaning to the events in our lives. We are the ones who give our experiences context and we get to choose whether they drive us closer or farther from who we want to be.
As a pivotal example in my life, when I was a teenager I lost my mother to cancer. While I still work through the devastation of this event, I know that witnessing her doctor’s compassion and the comfort it brought her drove me to pursue medicine, enabling me to do the same for others. I can still see her weak smile in response to his kind words and remember clinging to that moment of peace in the sadness of it all. I am eternally grateful for the direction this brought me, assigning a meaning to losing my mother that empowers me rather than victimizes. In a much lighter scenario, I was recently reminded of this tool by a complete stranger when I drove my kids thirty minutes to a soccer clinic only to find out it had been cancelled. Right when my irritation was peaking and I started repeatedly stating “but I called to confirm that it was on,” another mom smiled and pointed out that it was Valentine’s Day and now we would have more time with our families. It was brilliant. Neither of us could change the circumstances but she had settled on a meaning that brought her joy. I then adopted her perspective because it turns out that living a joyful life is part my intention.
The formula for this kind of work begins right there: the decision to live with intention. The next step is gaining clarity on our value systems and the kind of people we want to be. This might vary in different facets of our lives (e.g; work, family, friends.) In my case, patience and joy are two of the qualities I am working to cultivate as a mother. If you knew me personally, you might laugh, as my default state is incredibly impatient and intense. And if you saw me around town, patient and joyful would not be the first words you choose to describe me. I am by no means there but that’s okay — the mere decision to put words to the kind of people we hope to become gives us the grace to see opportunities to grow in that direction. It enables us to start assigning the right meaning to the events of our lives and begin taking back some ownership of our happiness.
One of my closest friends underwent aggressive treatment for stage three breast cancer when she was thirty-five-years old. At the time, her children were ages five, three and one. She still struggles with the residual damage that her treatment (chemotherapy, radiation, and multiple surgeries) had on her body. However, she refers to her diagnosis as “the best worst thing that ever happened to me.” She explains that she now has a clarity about what matters in life that she never had before. She prioritizes differently, she worries less and about different things. She finds herself living truer to her personal value system and to the intentions that she sets for her life. In her case, she has taken this game-changing bit of adversity and used it in her favor to become the best version of herself. I don’t wish any of us this kind of challenge, but I do know we will all end up with something that doesn’t go our way. When this happens, I hope we choose to assign it a meaning that brings us closer to our stated intention for our lives. It just my be one of the most important decisions we make!
